Death of His Soul

TLDR : Job searching is soul sucking

I’m applying for jobs, and I must admit that I can slowly feel my soul slipping away. The nonsense I have to write, the ridiculous reasons I have to give for someone to hire me. Apparently the reason I need money isn’t enough. No, I must sing praises of the company for some HR recruiter somewhere. Or maybe pretend that the things I do are exceptional, and cannot be found anywhere.

I hate this process. This ridiculous charade of nonsense and vanity. Why should I bother if I need not have needed it? I wonder about this a lot, the stupidity of it all. I must sell myself, to become the shiniest piece of gold that glitters in the sun.

I do not know not why these fools have a want for loyalty, nor have a need for pretending to be a family. They will pay me to do things I need to do, from which I will eat and, if heaven permits, a few luxuries for myself. And yet they persist, their list of requirements for a single job so long even God himself would question his own skills.

Maybe I am becoming jaded, I can feel the prison walls closing in on me. I cannot tell if they are the walls of a carefree bird being stuck in a cage, or that of a saddle being put on lazy donkey. I prefer the bird, looking upon myself as a person trapped in a cage that cannot be removed. I care not if you call it vanity. I can only control what I feel, not what you think.

The shackles really do feel heavy. I wonder if it is necessary, then the reminder of the conflicts I had fought resurface. The wounds always heal, but the scars remain, if only to teach us that conflict is inevitable. One must be always prepared for it.

I wish I was a simpler man. I wish I knew nothing, and I wish that I could imagine nothing sometimes. My imagination causes have my pain. Life, the other.

And so I’ll keep doing what is required of me. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to spread my wings again. While this may be a certain passing melancholy, I must wonder if this is what I am to become for the rest of my life.

A man in a cage, with nothing to sustain him but the hope of greatness, to one day fade away into oblivion. But first will be the death of his soul.